Mommy of a baby angel…

I’ve been staring at my screen a lot, my mind goes completely blank. I feel like I have so much to say yet I just don’t know how to begin. 

I guess it’s up to me to tell our son’s story since he couldn’t stay on this earth, to tell it himself. I want to make sure the world knows he did his leave his mark on this world. 

I want people to know I am a mom, and that I’m not the same person I was before him. The first day I heard his heart beat everything just changed I was speechless, a tear rolling down my cheek said it all.

The first times he started moving around my belly, was completely weird but comforting at the same time. I knew he was okay, and the first times I started talking to him it just became our favorite habit.

He was our first good morning, and our goodnight. I suddenly cared so much on having a healthy diet, read first timers mommy’s articles, baby items, baby phone apps. I bought few little clothes before even finding out we were going to have a little boy. 

I wanted this super healthy and fit pregnancy, never on my mind crossed that I would be one in four women who go through this pain.

We named our baby boy “Kalani” it means of “the heavens,” daddy chose his name before he was even born, and it fit perfectly.

baby ultrasound

On march 19,2019 our baby boy was born at 3:16 pm. He was only 21 weeks, he gave his last breath on our arms after a natural birth. He was the most beautiful little angel I’ve ever seen.

I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix, my cervix couldn’t hold onto my baby any longer and what happened that morning was the worst heart pain we’ve ever felt in our whole life.

The weekend before it happened, we found out the sex of our baby. And to suddenly be at the hospital when it was supposed to be a regular day getting ready to go to work, it was very painful.

The night before I just felt the need of constantly go to pee, and we thought it was normal. I didn’t have any pain, until I woke up and I felt weird and thought I was going to call off since I just started feeling this urgency to go pee and pressure to do so, without really peeing. 

I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding, that’s when we just took off. When we got to the hospital that’s when I started feeling pain. No one was telling us nothing as they were diagnosing what was going on.

I felt relieved when they put the heart monitor and we heard him move. He was so active, the nurse even asked if that was his regular time of movement. And yea it was, he was just ready to go to work with mommy like we usually would.

I thought we were going to be fine and that I just needed some antibiotics and ready to go back home.

When the doctor came in, and gave me the news that there was nothing that could be done, and that I had to give birth but my baby wouldn’t make it without me. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.

I couldn’t process all of that right away, tears just came out and a terrible pain in my chest. My fiancé and I just held on to each other.

It was hard to believe that we had to let go of our baby, and that we were going back home empty. That’s not how we pictured things at all. 

Our lives were already planned according to our baby’s needs, and now what? 

I felt completely lost, and that day he came to earth and I got to hold him, I just didn’t want to stop giving him kisses on his cute little forehead.

He had this cute little nose that I just couldn’t stop staring, I saw him move a little and then he stopped and everything else after that moment, when he left to baby heaven it’s been rocky for the both us. 

It was hard to go to sleep, it was hard to see myself again in the mirror and not seeing my belly anymore. My stretch marks are a reminder that he was there, it was hard to realize I couldn’t touch my belly during the night anymore to feel him move. It was hard to accept life without him, it hurt to think that I’m not going to see him grow, take him to soccer games, seeing him play with dad, his first words, his first steps, I was ready for all those moments.

He made us so proud though, for fighting to stay alive and hear our voices until his last breath. I miss him so much, I’m thankful he didn’t go through any pain. Sometimes I see other kids and wonder that’s how my little Kalani would of looked like.

But our little Kalani showed off with the sky, he knows I stopped liking gloomy days and instead the days started to get beautifully sunny with super big fluffy clouds. My fiancé told me it was him and to picture him sleeping on those cotton candy clouds.

I believe him, since then that’s been my favorite thing to do every single day. I keep looking up and stare at the clouds hoping that my baby knows I do realize it’s him up there with the rest of the angels displaying a beautiful sky for all the their parents that are still on earth.

The thing is that I’m just grateful that I’m a mommy of a little angel and I hope to make him proud, he changed me for a more caring and loving person.

The only fear I’ve ever had in life was becoming a mom, I knew I wanted to adopt in a future but the thought of having my own would freak me out.

What if I just wasn’t a good mother, what about timing? what kind of mom would I ever be if I became one. So many insecurities made me question myself, and the sad part is that as I discovered motherhood and found out I would do my best to show our baby how much I love him, and how excited he got me thinking about him and our future, he wasn’t meant to stay in this world with us.

This thought gets me everything time, I try not to question why it happened. I keep telling myself I’ll get my answers later as we go on through this life journey.

It’s been tough, I’ve never saw this coming. Somedays I’m okay and others something triggers it and I just let it all out.

The days we had to make calls and talk about it for work, the first day we stepped into the funeral home and realizing the pain made it so real that our Kalani wasn’t here with us. Picking up his ashes to planning his mass while other women are planning their baby shower or celebrate Mother’s Day it’s been very painful.

I know there’s women that gone through worse situations than me but none of that matter. We all share the same pain, the loss of a baby will hurt no matter what.

whether you were ready to be a mom or not but took a chance to become one, and your baby made you realize all this love you have to give, and how amazing of a mom you would become that’s all it matters.

I’m sharing part of my feelings after our baby’s loss because it helps me and also to let you know you’re not alone if you went through it as well.

I’m trying everyday not to give up, my fiancé and I are just pushing each other to do better for our little Kalani.

We want him to be proud of us.   

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